Its nice to be away - I definitely needed the break from the day-to-day stress I've been going through.
I've been able to spend time catching up with my mom and brother while all of my cousin's final wedding preparations are in full gear. Its a lot easier to talk about things in person than over the phone. And although my brother and I have had a few rocky spots in our past, whenever we get together he's great, and we're able to go forward with a better relationship. My mom never wants to interfere in my life but is always available to talk to - which is nice to know she's there for me. We're also now making plans for her next visit to Boston.
So, although I wish I would have been able to go to the Marshfield Fair and the soup kitchen this weekend (I hope you guys go), there will be more fun events for us all to share in the future. Besides, its been a treat to get caught up with my aunt and my cousins and be here for Katie's wedding. But its also nice to just be *away*.
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Reasonable
So, what is reasonable? I guess that depends on the circumstances . . .
I thought we had an agreed-to schedule but then the other day she said she had some 'changes' she wanted to talk to me about. She gave me a calendar printout for the month of September where she had filled in her name for every Monday thru Friday and mine for every Saturday and Sunday. However, that wasn't our agreement as our 50-50 arrangement was for half the week, each week, and alternating weekends. She said this would be a 'transition' for the kids into both a new daycare and a new home (hers). I told her this was not acceptable. I wanted to be part of the kids' experience in their new school as well and that unless she had some other good reasons to do anything different, we would stick with the shared parenting plan we had already agreed to.
Then, the other day, she gives me a revised September calendar. This one had the first two weeks with her having the kids M-F, then shifting to the agreed-to plan. I said, "No, I want to be there for them during their first week at school." She argued that she thought it was best for them to be close to her and to stay at her place during the first week. I disagreed and said she didn't understand my feelings about what I thought was best for them - and that was for them to share their new experience with both their mother and father. She said, "What are you going to do about it?" I replied that we would follow the already agreed-to plan. She said that no, we would follow her new plan. We went back and forth a few times and finally I said, "Look, if I need to get our attorneys involved to resolve this, then that's what I'll do." She replied, "Bring it on."
Later that afternoon my attorney sent her attorney a motion to the court for us to follow the agreed-to plan, which immediately got her attorney's attention - and he said there was no need for a court motion - he would talk to her and have her follow the plan. She, of course, was beside herself.
However, last night, she was much more reasonable. We had an hour long talk about what we thought would be best for the kids and we came up with a compromise. If she had just been reasonable from the start and told me why she wanted a different schedule instead of demanding it be changed, we would have more easily resolved the issue. I'm not sure whether it was her attorney's influence or what, but we were at last able to come to a resolution.
I thought we had an agreed-to schedule but then the other day she said she had some 'changes' she wanted to talk to me about. She gave me a calendar printout for the month of September where she had filled in her name for every Monday thru Friday and mine for every Saturday and Sunday. However, that wasn't our agreement as our 50-50 arrangement was for half the week, each week, and alternating weekends. She said this would be a 'transition' for the kids into both a new daycare and a new home (hers). I told her this was not acceptable. I wanted to be part of the kids' experience in their new school as well and that unless she had some other good reasons to do anything different, we would stick with the shared parenting plan we had already agreed to.
Then, the other day, she gives me a revised September calendar. This one had the first two weeks with her having the kids M-F, then shifting to the agreed-to plan. I said, "No, I want to be there for them during their first week at school." She argued that she thought it was best for them to be close to her and to stay at her place during the first week. I disagreed and said she didn't understand my feelings about what I thought was best for them - and that was for them to share their new experience with both their mother and father. She said, "What are you going to do about it?" I replied that we would follow the already agreed-to plan. She said that no, we would follow her new plan. We went back and forth a few times and finally I said, "Look, if I need to get our attorneys involved to resolve this, then that's what I'll do." She replied, "Bring it on."
Later that afternoon my attorney sent her attorney a motion to the court for us to follow the agreed-to plan, which immediately got her attorney's attention - and he said there was no need for a court motion - he would talk to her and have her follow the plan. She, of course, was beside herself.
However, last night, she was much more reasonable. We had an hour long talk about what we thought would be best for the kids and we came up with a compromise. If she had just been reasonable from the start and told me why she wanted a different schedule instead of demanding it be changed, we would have more easily resolved the issue. I'm not sure whether it was her attorney's influence or what, but we were at last able to come to a resolution.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Packing
So, the reality of the past 12 months is finally here - she is packing! (Really, I was doubting if it would ever end . . . )
Friday, August 17, 2007
Expectations
So, I thought everything was all set. One more week to go, then things would be finalized. Well, now that's not going to happen. Its amazing how, through this process, there have been so many times when I expected one thing to happen only to find things were changed for one reason or another.
This time it was her @%*-ing attorney. Seems like some emergency case popped up out of nowhere (as he said, "all hell broke loose in my practice") and so, right when we were all set to settle this thing, our court date is now going to be continued for another three weeks or so. He's not willing to let his associate finish up the case as he is currently working on his first draft of his amendment to the Agreement and he won't leave negotiations to his junior attorney. And then he is going on vacation. So, now we have to wait until sometime in September. ARRRRGHHH.
This time it was her @%*-ing attorney. Seems like some emergency case popped up out of nowhere (as he said, "all hell broke loose in my practice") and so, right when we were all set to settle this thing, our court date is now going to be continued for another three weeks or so. He's not willing to let his associate finish up the case as he is currently working on his first draft of his amendment to the Agreement and he won't leave negotiations to his junior attorney. And then he is going on vacation. So, now we have to wait until sometime in September. ARRRRGHHH.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Stuff
So, it comes down to a list of stuff. After resolving custody, parenting plans, financials and the house, the remaining thing to work out is who gets what. Some of it is pretty easy - we both had a lot of stuff when we got married, so what was hers stays hers and what was mine stays mine. Except, of course, all of the stuff I used to have that she talked me into getting rid of . . .
However, the marital stuff is a little harder. It would be easy to simply say, "Go ahead and take what you want," but then I'd have to go and spend a ton of money replacing things I bought in the first place. There's also a lot of stuff that I really like, some with emotional attachments. If she had her way she would clean out the boys' rooms and take it all with her, and that's not fair to the boys.
So, back to the list of stuff. I actually started the list - went through each room and wrote down the major items in each room (furniture, rugs, etc.), then put it into a spreadsheet (yes - anal of me, but I thought it would be the clearest way to document the stuff). I set up four columns - what I had before the marriage, what I would keep that was marital, what was hers before the marriage, and what she would get that was marital. It was a short list just showing the big items figuring we could work out the smaller stuff. I e-mailed her the spreadsheet (as that is our best form of communication), and she sends it back the next day, only now its 3 pages long and itemizes pictures, toys and other knicknacks she wants to take. She also moved a number of things from my column to hers.
Funny thing then happened. When she e-mailed the list back to me, she copied her attorney. He then replied to Karen, saying "My quick review of the property list attached finds you with the vast majority of property acquired during the marriage; and it looks like you have taken most of the property in the boys' rooms. I can't tell how many items you have added vs. how many you have changed but it appears that the boys will have little left in their rooms." He went on to say, "It is going to be much better if Kriss has approved this list so I hope this is the result of you two working together." (Which, of course, it wasn't.) I only know what her attorney said because he obviously hit "Reply All" on his e-mail so I was directly copied on his response. Not sure whether he meant to do that or not, but it is a little odd for me to get an e-mail directly from her attorney.
She replied saying it was "her highest priority to reach an agreement as soon as possible." So, later that night, she and I sat down and went through the list. How utterly painful this was! One of the things she had added to the list was all of the window coverings - drapes and curtains - claiming she and her mother picked them out or bought the fabric from which custom curtains were made. I asked if she could at least let me keep them until the house is sold - she said "No way." We talked about wedding presents, furniture, the computer, the telephones. God it was awful. In the end, we both walked away giving in on a number of items but at least there is some sort of agreement in place.
Then, the next day, I got an e-mail from her asking if I wanted to buy some of her furniture. She said she's moving into a smaller place and thinks I may want some of her stuff to keep the house furnished and save me the trouble of buying new furniture - she then included a list of couches, chairs, etc. (all things she had owned from before we were married, but are now old and worn). Now, if I'm going to spend money on furniture, why would I want her old stuff? And why, after going through a painful discussion of who gets what, would she even think I might be interested in her old furniture? Well, that's not going to happen. I'd rather buy new furniture that is mine than have her old things around.
Oh yeah, and another thing, I'm also going to have to buy new window coverings, just to make the rooms look good when I have to sell the house. :-(
However, the marital stuff is a little harder. It would be easy to simply say, "Go ahead and take what you want," but then I'd have to go and spend a ton of money replacing things I bought in the first place. There's also a lot of stuff that I really like, some with emotional attachments. If she had her way she would clean out the boys' rooms and take it all with her, and that's not fair to the boys.
So, back to the list of stuff. I actually started the list - went through each room and wrote down the major items in each room (furniture, rugs, etc.), then put it into a spreadsheet (yes - anal of me, but I thought it would be the clearest way to document the stuff). I set up four columns - what I had before the marriage, what I would keep that was marital, what was hers before the marriage, and what she would get that was marital. It was a short list just showing the big items figuring we could work out the smaller stuff. I e-mailed her the spreadsheet (as that is our best form of communication), and she sends it back the next day, only now its 3 pages long and itemizes pictures, toys and other knicknacks she wants to take. She also moved a number of things from my column to hers.
Funny thing then happened. When she e-mailed the list back to me, she copied her attorney. He then replied to Karen, saying "My quick review of the property list attached finds you with the vast majority of property acquired during the marriage; and it looks like you have taken most of the property in the boys' rooms. I can't tell how many items you have added vs. how many you have changed but it appears that the boys will have little left in their rooms." He went on to say, "It is going to be much better if Kriss has approved this list so I hope this is the result of you two working together." (Which, of course, it wasn't.) I only know what her attorney said because he obviously hit "Reply All" on his e-mail so I was directly copied on his response. Not sure whether he meant to do that or not, but it is a little odd for me to get an e-mail directly from her attorney.
She replied saying it was "her highest priority to reach an agreement as soon as possible." So, later that night, she and I sat down and went through the list. How utterly painful this was! One of the things she had added to the list was all of the window coverings - drapes and curtains - claiming she and her mother picked them out or bought the fabric from which custom curtains were made. I asked if she could at least let me keep them until the house is sold - she said "No way." We talked about wedding presents, furniture, the computer, the telephones. God it was awful. In the end, we both walked away giving in on a number of items but at least there is some sort of agreement in place.
Then, the next day, I got an e-mail from her asking if I wanted to buy some of her furniture. She said she's moving into a smaller place and thinks I may want some of her stuff to keep the house furnished and save me the trouble of buying new furniture - she then included a list of couches, chairs, etc. (all things she had owned from before we were married, but are now old and worn). Now, if I'm going to spend money on furniture, why would I want her old stuff? And why, after going through a painful discussion of who gets what, would she even think I might be interested in her old furniture? Well, that's not going to happen. I'd rather buy new furniture that is mine than have her old things around.
Oh yeah, and another thing, I'm also going to have to buy new window coverings, just to make the rooms look good when I have to sell the house. :-(
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Remote Control
So now Leo knows the wonders of remote control vehicles! We were at Tighe's 3rd birthday (son of Jenn, a co-worker of mine) on Saturday and Tighe got a number of new remote control construction trucks. Leo watched him play with them for a while, then asked me if he could try. I told him to ask Tighe, who immediately said, "No, they're mine!" Tighe's daddy Al stepped in and got Tighe to agree to let Leo try one of the trucks - a front-end loader. Leo spent the next half hour running the truck back and forth and lifting the front scoop up and down. He was so absorbed he had tuned everything else out. Luckily he had already had his cake and we were finished with swimming. I got Leo to give it up when Tighe finally asked for the front-end loader back. Al joked that I now needed to stop at Toys R Us to get one for Leo.
So where did I find myself on Saturday night? Why, Toys R Us of course! Unfortunately, they were out of the front-end loaders, and the excavators they had looked really cheap so I ended up not buying one. But next weekend I'm going to head out to a different Toys R Us in search of the front-end loader.
So where did I find myself on Saturday night? Why, Toys R Us of course! Unfortunately, they were out of the front-end loaders, and the excavators they had looked really cheap so I ended up not buying one. But next weekend I'm going to head out to a different Toys R Us in search of the front-end loader.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Train
So, it was an easy commute to work this morning - gotta love the summertime. There were plenty of seats on the train so I was able to zone out with my iPod for the quick trip into Boston. Couldn't help thinking though that I only have 2 more weeks of train rides - then I'll have to drive. :-(
Its not that I mind driving, that will be fine - especially the days when I'll be taking Leo and Daniel to daycare and I can drive in the HOV lane! No, it will be the days when I have to drive by myself that I will dread. The traffic on the Southeast Expressway gets so bad sometimes where you end up just creeping along for almost half an hour just to get from the Braintree split to just past JFK. At least I'll have a parking space in the garage next to the building where I work - one of the perks of being an Associate. And I will no longer be tied to the train schedule. But I will miss the train. Some evenings, after a tough day at work, there's nothing better than simply sitting on the train instead of fighting traffic in the car. And this is all happening just when the new Greenbush commuter rail line is about to start!
Its not that I mind driving, that will be fine - especially the days when I'll be taking Leo and Daniel to daycare and I can drive in the HOV lane! No, it will be the days when I have to drive by myself that I will dread. The traffic on the Southeast Expressway gets so bad sometimes where you end up just creeping along for almost half an hour just to get from the Braintree split to just past JFK. At least I'll have a parking space in the garage next to the building where I work - one of the perks of being an Associate. And I will no longer be tied to the train schedule. But I will miss the train. Some evenings, after a tough day at work, there's nothing better than simply sitting on the train instead of fighting traffic in the car. And this is all happening just when the new Greenbush commuter rail line is about to start!
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Privacy
So, I changed my Myspace privacy setting today. Its not because of all of the friend requests I was getting from scantily clad women. Who accepts those anyway? Andy? No, I thought about what Kate mentioned over the weekend and decided I didn't really need the Myspace world to know what was going on in my life. (Or certain individuals lurking around . . .) So, now if you want to know, you've got to be my friend!
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Chair
So, Daniel has been giving me a hard time putting him to bed for a while. I've been rocking him to sleep since he was a baby - then sitting in the chair in his room with him until he drifted off. A few months ago I finally got to a point where I could put him in his crib while he was still awake, but I had to stay in the room with him until he fell asleep. I had tried leaving the room, but since he learned to crawl out of his crib, that no longer worked because he would simply come out of his room looking for me.
I didn't mind sitting in his room while he drifted off to sleep. It gave me a chance to relax in the dark for a bit. I even fell asleep a few times when I was really tired. However, Daniel recently started taking longer and longer to fall asleep. On some nights I've had to sit there for almost 45 minutes. If I tried to get up before Daniel fell asleep, he would call out "Daddy, sit in the chair!" and I'd have to start all over again. It wouldn't have been so bad except on most nights I haven't had dinner yet so sometimes I wasn't eating until after 9pm.
Kate suggested I start moving the chair closer and closer to the door to start to break the habit. In order for this to work I would have had to completely rearrange the furniture in his room and that just wasn't going to happen. So, the other night, when it was clear it was going to be a long night in the chair, I simply carried the chair out of the room. Daniel, of course, cried and cried, but he finally settled down as I stood in the open doorway, and it wasn't another five minutes or so until he fell asleep.
The chair is still in my room. And for the past couple of nights I've been able to walk away from the open doorway while Daniel was still awake without him getting upset. It looks like I'm getting close to finally breaking the bad habit that I guess I started in the first place.
I didn't mind sitting in his room while he drifted off to sleep. It gave me a chance to relax in the dark for a bit. I even fell asleep a few times when I was really tired. However, Daniel recently started taking longer and longer to fall asleep. On some nights I've had to sit there for almost 45 minutes. If I tried to get up before Daniel fell asleep, he would call out "Daddy, sit in the chair!" and I'd have to start all over again. It wouldn't have been so bad except on most nights I haven't had dinner yet so sometimes I wasn't eating until after 9pm.
Kate suggested I start moving the chair closer and closer to the door to start to break the habit. In order for this to work I would have had to completely rearrange the furniture in his room and that just wasn't going to happen. So, the other night, when it was clear it was going to be a long night in the chair, I simply carried the chair out of the room. Daniel, of course, cried and cried, but he finally settled down as I stood in the open doorway, and it wasn't another five minutes or so until he fell asleep.
The chair is still in my room. And for the past couple of nights I've been able to walk away from the open doorway while Daniel was still awake without him getting upset. It looks like I'm getting close to finally breaking the bad habit that I guess I started in the first place.
Monday, August 6, 2007
Tired
So, after quite a busy day yesterday, I crashed hard last night - only to have Daniel wake me up at 2am. I got Daniel back to sleep, but then I was awake. With all that has happened the last week, my mind started rolling through all sorts of options and scenarios and I couldn't shut it off. A couple of hours later I got up for a drink of water, lay back down, and was able to drift in and out for an hour or so - but not enough to feel refreshed.
Slogged through work but never got motivated to accomplish a lot (other than the top items on my 'to do' list). Had a studio lunch meeting so I didn't get to catch up on any of the hundred other miscellaneous things I've been trying to do during the lunch hour. Then had to stop at the grocery store on the way home since she doesn't do much shopping anymore (except for herself), only to find an empty house - they're probably at an indoor playground somewhere since it rained today. The good news - at least I don't have to wait until 9:00 to have dinner tonight!
I just have to remind myself, two and a half weeks to go, then I'll be able to try and make the other things work out. Not much I can really do 'til then.
Slogged through work but never got motivated to accomplish a lot (other than the top items on my 'to do' list). Had a studio lunch meeting so I didn't get to catch up on any of the hundred other miscellaneous things I've been trying to do during the lunch hour. Then had to stop at the grocery store on the way home since she doesn't do much shopping anymore (except for herself), only to find an empty house - they're probably at an indoor playground somewhere since it rained today. The good news - at least I don't have to wait until 9:00 to have dinner tonight!
I just have to remind myself, two and a half weeks to go, then I'll be able to try and make the other things work out. Not much I can really do 'til then.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Beach
So, had to get up everyone up and going extra early today thanks to our esteemed Assistant Organizer - whose idea it was to meet at the beach at 9am! We had to skip our weekly run to the dump (aka the 'Hingham Transfer Station') and I was so busy getting everything together I didn't have time to even think about coffee (thanks Mo!).
We ended up getting to Nantasket a little early - which was good so the kids got their swinging out of the way before heading down to the beach. The weather was perfect and so were all of our friends (adults and kids alike).
I can't think enough about how great this group is. Without even thinking twice, we all were helping each other out, watching each other's kids, and not worrying at all. I know being a single parent will have its challenges going forward, but with a group like this it seems to make everything a little easier to handle.
We ended up getting to Nantasket a little early - which was good so the kids got their swinging out of the way before heading down to the beach. The weather was perfect and so were all of our friends (adults and kids alike).
I can't think enough about how great this group is. Without even thinking twice, we all were helping each other out, watching each other's kids, and not worrying at all. I know being a single parent will have its challenges going forward, but with a group like this it seems to make everything a little easier to handle.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Tomorrow
So, after a day like yesterday, I'm really looking forward to tomorrow - friends, kids and animals in the morning followed up with a BBQ at the Cape in the evening. I can't wait!
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Settlement
So how does one go about reaching a settlement? Especially when you know you are right? (But, doesn't everybody at least think they are right?) I guess that's one of my weaknesses - and something I'm working on. But when its the future of your children that are at stake, compromises must be made. I thought I had offered a good compromise a few months ago but she instead decided to go through with depositions. (No good ever comes out of this type of deposition, only more hurt and bitterness . . .) Then, when we had our pre-trial conference with the judge, I thought the judge's guidance was very clear - she thought otherwise. I could see that this thing could have gone on for months and months.
Today was supposed to be another deposition day - this time she and her attorney were going to depose the Guardian Ad Litem. The GAL Report was very favorable to my position, but left the door open for a compromise. I was faced with a decision early on today - should they just start with the deposition or could there first be a conference where we could talk about the contested issues. I have always supported every effort to reach an agreement so I chose to talk first. We decided to include the Guardian Ad Litem in our discussions for his guidance on issues dealing with the children.
The meeting went on for a while. Twice during the conference her attorney grandstanded and left the room with her. During the second break, when it was obvious that there was not going to be any movement on her part, I realized the future of our children was in my hands. I could have let the deposition begin and continued to fight for what I believed was right. But nobody would win in this scenario. If the judge ruled in my favor, she would forever be bitter, and we would never be able to effectively communicate about anything. If the judge ruled in her favor, she would blame me for dragging the case out spending thousands of needless dollars for an outcome she thought was right anyway. My attorney thought the case would have been 50-50 if it went to trial before the judge.
So, with the children's lives in my hands, I made a decision which I hope makes all of our lives reasonable. My attorney supported the decision and we then continued the conference with her and her attorney to go through all of the other contested issues. A few were not easily resolved but we at least created a path to settlement.
I don't think she will ever realize how important today's decision was.
I will be sad to lose a neighbor whose friendship I've come to value in a short period of time (but I won't be too far away) and I'll be glad to gain a new neighbor whose friendship, I hope, won't get spoiled by my bugging him all of the time.
Today was supposed to be another deposition day - this time she and her attorney were going to depose the Guardian Ad Litem. The GAL Report was very favorable to my position, but left the door open for a compromise. I was faced with a decision early on today - should they just start with the deposition or could there first be a conference where we could talk about the contested issues. I have always supported every effort to reach an agreement so I chose to talk first. We decided to include the Guardian Ad Litem in our discussions for his guidance on issues dealing with the children.
The meeting went on for a while. Twice during the conference her attorney grandstanded and left the room with her. During the second break, when it was obvious that there was not going to be any movement on her part, I realized the future of our children was in my hands. I could have let the deposition begin and continued to fight for what I believed was right. But nobody would win in this scenario. If the judge ruled in my favor, she would forever be bitter, and we would never be able to effectively communicate about anything. If the judge ruled in her favor, she would blame me for dragging the case out spending thousands of needless dollars for an outcome she thought was right anyway. My attorney thought the case would have been 50-50 if it went to trial before the judge.
So, with the children's lives in my hands, I made a decision which I hope makes all of our lives reasonable. My attorney supported the decision and we then continued the conference with her and her attorney to go through all of the other contested issues. A few were not easily resolved but we at least created a path to settlement.
I don't think she will ever realize how important today's decision was.
I will be sad to lose a neighbor whose friendship I've come to value in a short period of time (but I won't be too far away) and I'll be glad to gain a new neighbor whose friendship, I hope, won't get spoiled by my bugging him all of the time.
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Blocked
So I got into work early this morning and checked my personal e-mail account. There was an e-mail saying I had received a Myspace message but when I clicked on it I got a new screen with an error message saying "Web Server Too Busy". Seemed odd to me since hardly anybody else was in the office yet, so I did a little digging. Turns out, Myspace is blocked at work. Facebook too. Didn't spend any more time looking around to see what other sites were blocked but I'm sure it includes all of the social networking sites. Guess they don't want us using our work computers to satisfy our Myspace needs!
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